Ok, it has definitely been a while, but over the past couple of weeks I have been learning a lot and for the most part it has just seemed like too much to process and put into words. That's why the first thing i want to discuss and put out there is the concept of being overwhelmed and figuring out how to deal with the sensation of a crowded mind and a busy life. Its not always a bad thing, for example in my first post thingy i talked about how i felt at the chapels and my first second saturday event, and if that isn't overwhelming i don't know what is. However, i think its usually the negative circumstances that stand out and prove to be the most difficult. Instead of feeling like floating, its more like drowning. So in this part one, I'll talk more about my hard times and what i've learned from them, and in part two I'll talk about the awesome experiences i've had and what they have taught me.
Literally everybody has experienced this at some point in time, and it looks different from each person's perspective depending on what factors exactly are causing the stress and just what they have already been through. Some things you might have experienced before are sicknesses/deaths of loved ones, issues in your family, extreme amounts of work/homework, relationship issues, big decisions you have to make, changing schools or plenty of other things. Another difference between each person's situation is how they handle it. If you know me, you would probably describe me as someone who is almost always cheerful or bubbly, and that's honestly pretty accurate. Even when i am super duper incredibly stressed, i find it is easier to put the stressors off to the back of my mind and deal with them later when i am at home. I don't know if it counts as putting up a facade because i genuinely do feel better if i am focusing on the positives and ignoring the negatives. I haven't really been the type of person that just freely shares what's going in my life (besides most of the good parts) the closest i have really come to venting is writing on notecards and in journals.
That completely changed this past week when it seemed like all these tiny things that had been building up finally reached a peak and became huge prominent mountains right in front of me, and then there were also other factors that came out of nowhere blocking me in from the other sides. It seemed like my mind was a mine field and no matter what i thought about, there was something triggering an emotional response that i couldn't control or hide. And once i started thinking about any of these things, i just kept getting stuck dancing between them, trying to determine which one hurt the least so that could be the closest thing to a positive point for me to stay focused on. I was so overwhelmed, and i knew that i would probably feel better if i could write it out and maybe organize my thoughts, but everything had just piled up one right after another, and now i had a giant entangled mess that tore me apart when i thought about it. Also it didn't help that writing it all down would have really taken away from time that i needed to finish assignments i put off until the last minute. So i was stuck here with no way to get it out of my system, it was the weekend so i wasn't around any friends to spill my guts (not that i actually would have, because that's not really my thing) and even thinking praying about the specific details was so painful, i felt more comfortable just praying that God would help me through the difficult times instead of asking Him about His plan and intentions for me through all of this.
I texted elena saying "dude I'm trying to work on this test right now but instead I'm sitting here crying and i don't know what to do" and the first thing she did was tell me to pray and lay it all down at God's feet so i wouldn't be carrying the burden alone. I was like I'm really trying but i don't feel it helping, the more i think about it the more emotional i get, i'm definitely going to need a therapy session tomorrow if you're down to listen to all my problems. She told me of course, and then she gave me a couple "jesus music" song recommendations that were spot on and helped me so much. One of them she mentioned in her most recent post, "In Over My Head" by Bethel, and another one by Bethel called "You're Gonna Be OK". Whatever you might be going through right now, even if you are feeling great, you will not regret listening to these because they are so honest and comforting, and they are beautiful songs.
So the next day at school, i did indeed have a (not so little) discussion with her and i was completely broken, sobbing and shaking, but she listened and found scriptures and quotes that spoke directly to what i was going through. My main takeaways from this was that it really is ok, and even helpful, to be vulnerable and talk through what is going on with someone you trust and you know will point to towards relief through God. Also, God is doing everything in your life for a reason and He is there with you during 100% of it. We had a chapel this week that talked about how the stones for structures are shaped not be just a good rock that can sit on its own, but so they fit in with the masterplan to create something great. One of the points was that the biggest part of shaping these stones is the painful grinding and breaking, but without that there is no way they would fit in to the plan. The timing of this message during a time when i am going through more grinding and breaking than i have before was perfect, and that's kinda proof (in more ways than 1) that everything is happening for a reason. we are being put through tough situations for a reason, and the timing and placement of things you might consider insignificant are more than coincidences. I also want to finish this off by letting you know its not a bad ending, i actually took a 180 from the terrible start and the choir trip i went on at the end of the week was one of the most amazing and overwhelming (in a good way) experiences of my life as well. No matter what you are going through, really lay it down in front of God because He is the only one who knows why you are going through that situation and He can help strengthen and prepare you to endure it. Stay tuned for part 2 coming soon and lots more after that, like i said this has been a huge learning experience for me and i have a lot to share.
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