coming into the new year, i wanted to share my reflections looking back on 2020 as well as my anticipations looking forward into 2021. there is really a lot involved in that, so here's the reflection portion.
2020 was an absolutely crazy year for everyone, but each person has their own stories and experiences that makes their craziness unique. for me, it was honestly an amazing year, a time where i consistently saw God's faithfulness in keeping His promises and exceeding my expectations. it was a major high after a lot of losses and let-downs in 2019. thats not to say i was oblivious to all the disasters in medical, social, environmental, etc. areas of the world; i just really focused on seeking God in all of it and being intentional with my gratitude for every good thing, big and little.
there were soooo many amazing and memorable experiences last year but the overall highlight of the year for me was definitely the passion conference that took place literally from 2019 right into 2020 (like, we were jamming out in an nfl stadium with hillsong united right as the clock struck midnight!) i don't think i would've thrived in the mess of the pandemic if it hadn't been for the way i was inspired by great leaders in the christian community and led in praying and praising expectantly in the first 24 hours of the year. this was also where i was introduced to the idea of picking a theme verse or word for the year, and intentionally focusing on something like that had SUCH a big impact on how many risks i took and all the things i just went for that i normally would've steered clear of (idk if that sounds bad… the word i chose will hopefully help that make sense)
the first thing that led me towards my word was a comment someone made at passion. i didn't know this person, they just happened to be sitting behind me in the stadium one of the days. he simply said something along the lines of "i love the way you worship." i wanted to take that as a personal compliment, but i don't think it should be. you see, the way i was singing and my overall actions were much more free and bold than usual, because i was more overwhelmed by and in awe of the goodness of God than i ever had been before. the more i thought about it, the more that compliment seemed to mean something else: "i can see how much you love God by the way you worship."
if worshipping boldy while surrounded by tens of thousands of other people doing the same is a testament of my love for God, how much more love would i convey by living boldy in my every day life, surrounded by people of all different beliefs? i realized pointing more people to Christ by the way i live didn't require changing my beliefs or feelings about my heavenly father, i just needed to amplify those things instead of hiding them. i just needed to be bold.
so that's the word/theme i chose to focus on for myself in 2020. the verse i chose also went along with that theme.
ephesians 6:19-20
and [pray] also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which i am an ambassador in chains, that i may declare it boldly, as i ought to speak.
we had talked about this verse at a second saturday bible study back in may 2019, so i was already familiar with it, which is why it popped into my head. there are three things that stick out to me in regards to my goals for personal growth. first, and most obvious, is its repetition of the word "boldly" cuz i want to open my mouth and declare the gospel boldly.
second, paul is asking the recipients of this letter to pray for him, not just claiming that he will be bold. ive had the privilege of going to Christian schools my whole life, where prayer requests were often asked for and encouraged. but i usually kept the extremely important or heavy prayer requests to myself instead of sharing them and receiving the support of others' petitions to God. thats another thing that i worked on drastically changing in 2020 after acknowledging the true power of prayer as well as my tendencies to deny my brothers and sisters in Christ the opportunity to support me in my struggles.
third, i felt convicted by the last phrase, "boldly, as i OUGHT to speak." not "boldly, as i sometimes feel comfortable speaking," not "boldly, unless i don't want to speak boldly." i believe i ought to speak boldly and declare the gospel, and i worked on not letting my comfort zone interfere with fulfilling that calling.
at the beginning of the year, carrying out this boldness was difficult (especially since i wasn't even interacting with people irl while everything was shut down haha) but even while i was in school, i was disappointed in myself for how easily i returned to my introverted tendencies. i was confused about whether i was naturally outgoing or super shy, because junior year id grown comfortable with a good (and crazy) group of friends but when i transferred senior year back to where i went to middle school, i felt trapped in the persona of quiet little middle school skyler (yikes!) i thought the boldness id found at passion would carry into my everyday life, but realistically those environments are TOTALLY different and id just barely grasped this freedom in an environment full of people that were the kind of bold i wanted to be. i definitely overestimated myself there, but thats not the end of the story.
in quarantine/online school, i was more intentional than ever about spending time with the Lord, consistently setting aside an hour at the beginning of every day (power hour whoop whoop!) and this prepared me more than i could've realized to live out my goal in my first semester in college. God shaped my mornings and led me to learn what He needed me to learn, and ive been able to pull those things out of my memory (or my journal when my memory fails me)
even further, God continued to show me how careful he is in planning every little thing in my life. over the summer i got stuck going to nebraska for a month and i wasn't pumped about that but it ended up being full of time spent with cousins and good friends i never get to see except in nebraska each july, and my job there allowed me to pay for college.(there's a whole blog post about that month of summer!) the unexpected blessings continued into the fall when i really began to live out my faith boldly, thanks to the people God and in the jbu community as a whole.
ive begun making a lot of gratitude lists and deliberately writing out the blessings and also attributes of God that i would typically take for granted. it's super cool to go back and read through them, noticing once again the details id forgotten about and being reminded of how much God has shown His love for me. im thinking about posting some of those lists on the blog because i think it's so cool to recognize the silliest things that we pretty much expect to go right as things God has intentionally allowed to happen, and you can see that in the lists. every time i think about these things or write out a list of blessings, i get super bubbly and overjoyed because it's just so awesome to see God everywhere, and that puts me in a position to project that positivity and satisfaction that comes from my relationship with Christ.
in the last week of the semester, my roommate mary thought it would be cool to get some friends together before our weekly midnight campfire and just take some quiet time to go over some reflection questions about the semester, and think about what we want to carry into our 10 week winter break when we are away from all our new friends and new freedoms and our new home. if im being honest, i hadn't really thought much about my theme word or verse during the 4 months at jbu aside from in my gateway class when we did A TON of self reflection to try to discern our missional callings. all of the sudden, as im sitting in a circle of friends all thinking and journaling about the first ⅛ of college, i realized "holy moly, i've been bold!!… i accomplished that goal without even noticing." i think it was only because of all the time i spent in the spring working on getting myself right with the Lord that i saw those results in the fall. and seriously, it had so much to do with my friend group as well.
another little thing that popped into my head that night was how big of a turnaround id had going from high school to college. like i said earlier, after switching schools i thought i was actually introverted and kinda a loner, not cut out to socialize and take risks and make friends and have the kind of fun i was having junior year. then all of the sudden i have professors, coaches, and friends telling me they're surprised by how fast ive adjusted to college and found a close knit circle and some bigger circles as well. they commented on the way i spoke out in classes and practices, and how they had heard about something me and my friends did on campus or off campus. (all good things ;)) when i told them about my struggles senior year, they were shocked because that seemed nothing like the skyler they were getting to know. people kept saying over and over that i was a really extroverted, relational person, and i began to notice how energized i got by spending time with friends no matter what we were doing (i basically don't even need sleep when im around them, its awesome!!)
towards the end of our little journaling session, we went around to see what everyone's take aways were. i expressed how frustrated i was about taking so long to finally be free and be bold, and i said i didn't know why it was so hard for me in high school. that's when mary dropped a truth bomb that blew my mind: in the bible it talks about how in order to get a tree to produce good fruit you have to prune it. she said that maybe senior year was a time when God was pruning that part of me, because that's an area that im going to be most fruitful in. (hopefully that's encouraging to someone that's experiencing setbacks in an area of their life that they thought was a strength!! there's a chance you will come out of it even more fruitful than before! but also, keep in mind that those setbacks can be God telling you He has something else in store---pray and ask for discernment, focusing on your relationship with Him before focusing on your earthly circumstances in order to come out of those struggles prepared to bear fruit in whatever area of your life He has planned)
to put a nice little ending on everything, let me give you a quick recap of my 2020: new years passion conference heck yeah, back to school eh, quarantine/online school weird but great for growth with God, may and june went to the beach soooo many times cowabunga, july worked my butt off in the nebraska cornfields and watched a ridiculous amount of sunsets whoop whoop, beginning of august started seriously doubting my decision to go to college in general what the heck, August through november had a BLAST in college despite rona yeehaw, spent thanksgiving in oklahoma with my moms family, then got to stay there with grandparents and cousins an extra week during online finals yeah baby, came home to the family and we got quarantined thanks dad, went to nebraska again for Christmas with my dads family so groovy dude, came back home just to spontaneously hitch a ride to colorado for new years with college friends whattablast!!!!! and thats pretty much it!! soon (hopefully) ill have another post about my goals for 2021 and my anticipations for this year!!
Happy New Year everyone!!!!
Yorumlar